


Hold me Close, Hold me Dear

by ghoulshuu



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Character Development, M/M, Oneshot!Kaneki, Suicide mention, alcohol mention, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9382049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulshuu/pseuds/ghoulshuu
Summary: The blond was having a good time. Such a good time, in fact, that he decided to kiss Kaneki right on the lips, leaving him with the faint taste of honey, mint and alcohol.





	1. Chapter 1

Kaneki picked his target late on a Friday night. It was late in the month and his stomach was rumbling, his hunger just barely kept at bay. He held off eating for too long, and if he held out anymore his stomach would surely shred itself to pieces inside of him.

Kaneki wasn’t too particular about his meals and he took what he could get. So when the attractive blond approached him in the club (Kaneki hated clubs, but they were full of easy pickings), he knew he had his target. The blond was drunk, careless and disgustingly happy in a way only humans could be. Kaneki hated how humans could just… _live_ and not know how lucky they were.

It was easy to get the blond to warm up to him – painfully so – enough that Kaneki wondered if the blond liked everyone else as much as he liked Kaneki. Kaneki wondered if it was tiring, to have so much enthusiasm all the time. They talked for a while and Kaneki found himself continuously surprised and fascinated by the blond’s grand gestures and the way his eyes twinkled when he was amused.

The blond was having a good time. Such a good time, in fact, that he decided to kiss Kaneki right on the lips, leaving him with the faint taste of honey, mint and alcohol.

Kaneki offered to see him home safe, as he did with so many others. Yet, as they walked through dark alleyways, Kaneki found himself always promising to do it at the next one, and before he knew it, he had actually taken the blond home safely.

Kaneki went home, feeling a little disappointed, but having no regrets at all.

…

Maybe it was fate that had them meet again. The next time Kaneki saw the blond, it was in Anteiku. He walked in, radiant as ever, and took a seat near the window. Some sort of feeling made Kaneki’s stomach flip as he went to serve him.

“Welcome to Anteiku, may I please take your order?” Kaneki asked, smiling a little when the blond glanced up at him…

Without any hint of recognition. “Yeah, could I get a caramel latte?”

“Of course. I’ll have your order ready right away.” Kaneki headed to the back and prepared it, once again feeling disappointed. He made the latte with extra care, though he thought the blond wouldn’t be too specific about it anyway.

Kaneki set it down in front of him and turned to head back to the kitchen when he heard a squawk.

“Dude. This is the cutest bunny I have ever seen in my entire life.” The blond was gazing down into his cup. “I almost don’t want to drink it.”

“Then why don’t you come back tomorrow? I’ll make you another one.”

The blond grinned up at him. “I guess I’ll have to.”

…

As promised the blond came back, again and again. Over a couple weeks, he and Kaneki were regularly talking, especially if work was slow and Kaneki didn’t have anyone to serve. Hide (Kaneki finally learned his name) usually came at those times. Somehow, things escalated and friendly chattered turned into tentative flirting – then suddenly Kaneki was going on a date with him (still remembering the feeling of their lips pressed together).

They went to a movie: horror (Hide’s favourite), and Kaneki choked down horrible popcorn, thankful Hide was shoving most of it in his mouth by the handful. At the very least, it wasn’t a dinner date. Kaneki just barely escaped that horrible fate by playing into Hide’s love of fast-paced entertainment.

Yet, despite the horrible stomach ache Kaneki had (partially relieved by a trip to the bathroom in the middle of the movie), Kaneki found that he was having a good time. There was something about Hide’s smile that was contagious. As they laughed and talked, Kaneki was filled by the surprising urge to hold Hide dear to him. It was something he had not felt in a long while.

…

Dating Hide came with a few complications (to put it lightly). Firstly, there was the problem with food. Kaneki prided himself on being able to act like a human and consume what they did, but Hide’s meals (which he was sure were bad by even human standards) really tested his strength. Then there was Kaneki’s hunger as a ghoul. There was always the hunger. And that led to the excuses that made Hide’s brows furrow with confusion or frustration. Kaneki wished he didn’t have to evade Hide when his stomach tied itself into knots and left him curled up on his apartment floor in pain. Then, there were the times after Kaneki ate and he was filled with the guilt, the realization. Every time he took someone’s life, he was taking someone’s ‘Hide’ away from them. And losing Hide was something Kaneki would never be able to bear.

It led Kaneki (and a select group of peaceful ghouls) to a desolate cliff off the side of road. At the bottom, they collected the meat off of suicide victims. The process was nauseating. When Kaneki usually fed, he was driven by his hunger, letting the ghoul in him take over. But, as he collected the meat (the food), he felt startlingly and vulnerably… human. He was forced to face who he was – the monster he was (the one he thought he had to become).

It truly made him think… just who did he want to become?

…

Kaneki laid in bed with Hide, holding the human close to him. Hide was so comfortable in Kaneki’s arms (the arms of a ghoul). It made Kaneki want to try a little harder to become someone better – to become the person Hide thought he was. Even after Kaneki told Hide all there was to tell about himself, Hide still had faith in him, he still loved him.

Kaneki wanted to keep heading forward to his future, Hide acting as his guide. At times, Kaneki felt conflicted and lost, but he didn’t regret it for one second.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For you, eyepatch@ihatecentipedes. I've decided for one more chapter after this one! I'll be working on it next weekend. For now, I hope you enjoy this one!

Hide had something like a sixth-sense.

It was terrifying, but also kind of… nice. Kaneki spent a lot of his life hiding what he was thinking, but Hide always seemed to know how he felt – when he was happy, or when he was upset. Which in some cases, could be a blessing or a curse.

And as Hide wriggled his way up Kaneki’s legs with a mischievous grin, he couldn’t be sure which one it was.

“What are you doing?” Kaneki sighed, setting his book down on the bed. “I’m reading.”

“No, you’re not.” Hide held up a finger. “You haven’t flipped the page for at least five minutes.”

“Maybe I was taking my time,” Kaneki muttered, picking up the book, flipping to a random page and stuffing his nose back into it.

Kaneki tried to avoid Hide’s eyes, but he could _feel_ Hide staring at him and he eventually lost the battle. Hide was pouting, his eyes all wide and sad. Hide plucked the book from Kaneki’s hands and put it aside. He grunted and pulled himself up to where Kaneki was, then held out his arms. With a sigh, Kaneki sunk into them. Hide started carding his fingers through his hair and for some mysterious reason, Kaneki’s chest ached.

“Now, tell me what’s bothering you?”

…

Kaneki really didn’t deserve Hide. All the horrible things Kaneki did in his life and he somehow he ended up with _Hide_. In Kaneki’s opinion, there really wasn’t a better person in the world. Hide was so earnest, so kind, so wonderful. He always treated Kaneki like he was worth it (when Kaneki knew he wasn’t, he really wasn’t).

Hide would treat Kaneki like he was special. He would bring him coffee and other little gifts and sweet little kisses. He would hold him whenever he was having a bad day and comfort him. He made sure Kaneki always felt loved.

Kaneki loved Hide. And as time went on, he came to love him more and more. He was so incredibly happy that Hide loved him back too.

…

Kaneki hadn’t had nightmares since he was a kid.

Yet he found himself waking up in the middle of the night, rolling over in a panic to make sure Hide was still there with him. There were times he would dream of Hide being attacked by other ghouls and Kaneki could never make it there fast enough to help him. Other times he would dream he actually went through with killing Hide the first night he met him. Kaneki would wake up in a cold sweat, Hide still laying peacefully beside him.

Kaneki would lay awake for the rest of the night, running his fingers through Hide’s blond hair (like a golden halo). Sometimes he would cry. He didn’t know what he could do to stop thinking of such horrible things, or what he would do if such horrible things happened to Hide.

Hide would wake up sometimes, opening his eyes and blinking up at Kaneki sleepily. Then they would snap open and Hide would sit up stiffly. He would gather Kaneki in his arms and whisper calming words, wiping Kaneki’s tears away gently.

Kaneki would apologize to no end, both for waking Hide up and so ( _so_ ) many other things. Hide would make shushing noises, telling Kaneki everything was going to be okay. That he was okay, _they_ were okay.

But, Kaneki was angry with himself. He angry about the person he used to be, and in a way, the person he still was. He could never change what he did in the past, or atone to the people he hurt (and the people who cared about them). He hated himself and as much as Hide tried (and no matter how much love he gave), he couldn’t change that.

Exhausted, Kaneki would only be able to fall asleep hours later, too spent to do anything than stare blankly at Hide’s face until sleep (peacefully, thankfully) took him.

…

Kaneki started to imagine his future with Hide. He imagined when they would (permanently – officially) move in together. Hide was almost done at university. He was excited to graduate (Kaneki was excited too). Too often Hide spent hours stressing over notes, assignments and exams. Kaneki also missed him during the weeks leading up to exams.

Kaneki still worked at Anteiku, though while Hide was at university, he decided to put in a few more hours. He wanted to get Hide a nice graduation present. He deserved it. Though… Kaneki was having a difficult time deciding what to get him. Kaneki was thinking of getting him a new pair of headphones (high-quality ones). Or if Kaneki got enough hours, perhaps they could go on a little vacation.

Yeah, that would be nice.

On nights when Hide stayed late at the university, Kaneki would go and walk home with him. Kaneki knew Hide was attentive and safe, but it made Kaneki feel better. Hide would ramble on their way home, telling Kaneki about his classes and what happened during the day. Kaneki mostly listened, though he would tell Hide about any interesting people that came into Anteiku.

During that time, their lives were filled with uncertainty and opportunities. But, Kaneki had a lot of hope for the future (their future).

…

Hide loved the beach.

Though Kaneki wasn’t that big a fan of the sand or the many people running around, he was a fan of Hide’s smile. It was Hide’s gift, so the most important thing was that Hide was happy. Kaneki had as much fun as he could as well (how could he not while he was with Hide?) and that made Hide all the more exuberant.

After they got home from the beach, they would take a shower and curl up in warm robes. They spent quiet nights in their hotel and Kaneki treated Hide to all the best food he could buy (a much appreciated difference from the quick meals Hide scrounged up between hours of studying).

Once they got home, they were rested and ready for the future.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaneki started looking forward to mornings (he didn’t look forward to nights – with his nightmares, he didn’t know if he ever could). Mornings meant sleeping in late (when they could), cuddles with Hide and sweet little moments in the kitchen as they made coffee and breakfast.

A year ago, Kaneki never guessed his life would be so horribly (wonderfully) domestic. He never foresaw himself in a meaningful relationship (let alone a romantic one). He definitely never foresaw himself cooking human food for his human boyfriend, wearing pajama pants and a sweater that definitely wasn’t his (he really appreciated how baggy Hide’s weekend clothing was).

After a few months, they decided to move in together, Kaneki switching to living at Hide’s. Kaneki wasn’t too attached to his apartment – if anything, Hide’s meant more to him.

It took them a little while to adjust. Kaneki had to move the rest of his things in and Hide had to make room for him. Kaneki also had to admit he was a little worried. Dating was one thing, but moving in together was…

Hide soothed him the best he could, telling Kaneki there was no rush. If he wasn’t ready, then they could continue like they were. But, Kaneki _wanted_ to move in with him. He wanted to spend more time with him. It was just a really big step. One Kaneki didn’t think he could make without being at least a little scared.

He didn’t know why he was scared, and weeks later he still had no answer (even though his worries dissolved into nothing by then).

…

One thing Kaneki really liked about Hide was how expressive he was. Kaneki always knew how Hide felt. Hide had nothing to hide. However, it took a long time for Kaneki to stop hiding from Hide all the time. There were still times he shied away from him, his face and eyes going blank when Hide asked him what was wrong. It took a lot of effort for Kaneki to let Hide see that vulnerability (nights were much different… Kaneki couldn’t hide if he tried).

Vulnerability scared Kaneki. He never used to be able to afford to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable only meant being hurt more. But with Hide, Kaneki could show his sadness, he could show his pain, and Hide would gather all his pieces up and help put him back together if Kaneki fell apart.

Hide would encourage him with kind words and gentle actions (carding his fingers through his hair or rubbing his back). It was comforting to know Hide was with him (he wasn’t alone). Kaneki always felt so safe with Hide. He was the one person he could completely bare his heart to.

…

They had their first argument.

Kaneki came home (late), covered in blood. He was attacked by a group of cannibalistic ghouls. It wasn’t the first time. However, it was the first time Hide ever saw Kaneki like that: torn clothes, healing injuries and doused in blood that wasn’t just his.

Hide’s eyes were as wide as saucers and his fingers trembled as he assessed Kaneki’s injuries (Kaneki initially refused, but eventually gave in anyway). Hide was incredibly upset… both with what happened to Kaneki and with how _nonchalant_ Kaneki was about it. He was borderline hysterical, almost crying as he told Kaneki to be more careful.

But Kaneki _was_ trying to be careful. He was trying to stay safe. But in a ghoul’s world, there was no such thing as safe.

To be honest, Kaneki thought he was the one who raised his voice first. But, he was too upset to remember.

Kaneki ended up storming into the bathroom, taking a shower both to wash off the blood and attempt to gather himself. He ended up in their bedroom, his face stuffed into his pillow. Thankfully he was healed enough to put clothes on (and not bleed all over them), but his skin was still raw and red where he continued to heal.

When Hide knocked on the door, Kaneki didn’t say anything, worried his voice would crack if he tried to answer. After a few moments, Kaneki heard the door open. He felt Hide’s weight on the bed, then Hide’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Hide whispered.

Kaneki shook his head.

Hide squeezed his shoulder gently. “I know you try to avoid all the fighting. I know it’s hard… and I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you when you were already upset. And hurt.” Hide brushed his fingers against the nape of Kaneki’s neck. “I’m just so scared I’m going to lose you.”

“Why?” Kaneki croaked. “I’m a ghoul. It’s not like –“

“You’re my dearest person. I don’t know what I would do if… I don’t even want to think about it. It hurts too much.” Hide’s voice was trembling and Kaneki knew he was crying again.

Hide laid down beside him and snagged his fingers the sleeve of Kaneki’s shirt. Kaneki turned over and pressed his face against Hide’s chest.

“I’m sorry.” Kaneki couldn’t keep the sobs in anymore. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” Kaneki didn’t know if his voice was even coherent, with how his shoulders were trembling and every breath seemed to catch in his throat.

Hide wasn’t the only one who was scared.

They held each other until they both stopped crying.

…

Hide loved flowers. Kaneki got some for him every anniversary (as well as a few other things). Kaneki and Hide had their three year anniversary a few months ago. The flowers Kaneki had curled in his hand weren’t for any occasion. He saw them in a shop on his way home and he knew Hide would adore the vibrant colours. He couldn’t _not_ get them.

Hide was in the kitchen when Kaneki got home. He turned to greet Kaneki, then his eyes locked on the flowers.

“You’re the best.” Hide took the flowers carefully and sniffed them, humming. “Thank you.”

Kaneki pecked him on the cheek and smiled. “You should use that new vase you bought. I think it’d look good.”

Hide pulled out the vase and filled it with water, then took scissors out to cut the stems of the flowers. He tied his hair back (it came down to his shoulders). Kaneki stood behind him, wrapping his arms around Hide’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. Hide reached up and ruffled his hair.

They were happy, they were together. Life was better than Kaneki could’ve ever imagined, but there was still the nagging feeling in the back of his head that told him that things wouldn’t always be so happy. He supposed no matter how much he tried to ignore it, it was something he could never escape.

But no matter what happened, as long as he was with Hide, he thought he would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> My writing prof is getting on my back for writing too formally, so let me know how this felt (I seriously need to get into the habit of using contractions more...)


End file.
